On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
