Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Semen is not good for contacts.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
