So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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