So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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