remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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