yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
