ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
