He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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