The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
