We won't sleep together?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
