if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We are all done wearing pants today
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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