I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
