I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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