Capitaan dildo arrescate!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
