i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
