dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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