I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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