Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
