Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
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I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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