the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
