I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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