Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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