oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
