I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I didn't notice because vodka
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
