Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
