I wish I could punch you in the face.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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