Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
