I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
