We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
