its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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