guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
