youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
