I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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