I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
