I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
