I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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