I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
