I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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