the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My ATM looks so different sober.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
