Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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