Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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