why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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