You really coming over, don't trick.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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