dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
