Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
