i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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