Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i barfeds in our rink
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
