The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
