I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
