your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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