I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
