Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
