She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
