We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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