yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
