Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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