the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
