Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
