I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
